There are a lot of topics I find myself wanting to talk about, but am too fatigued lately to really muster up the effort to say much of anything on here. There are a couple reasons for this, probably the largest of which is having a 10 month old who wakes up anywhere between 5:30 to 7:30 AM every morning. So sleep is a thing of the past, but such is life as a parent, as I hear it told.

Baby-induced sleep deprivation aside, however, I do feel a bit caught in a rut lately. Work on Loadout continues at its usual breakneck pace, where we are doing our best to salvage the game into something money-earning, but are given incredibly short timelines and a meager team size. Even aside from the overtime and late nights working from home, this ordeal has been exhausting simply because we constantly are required to make design compromises/sacrifices to get it done, but after enough sacrifices it starts to feel like what we’ll end up with won’t be what we need to make the game work. It’s a shame, too, because done right I really have strong hopes for what the last 3 months effort has started. I just hope we get the chance to more fully realize that promise.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself, given the constraints on my time imposed by working overtime and caring for a baby, but another aspect of that feeling of exhaustion is the sense that I’m stagnating in terms of self-betterment. My gym trips have dwindled to almost non-existent, my personal projects have sat in limbo for months now, and I’ve picked up no new skills or hobbies in what feels like a very long time. Hell, even my leisure activities have languished, and I’ve barely had the chance to play games anymore.

I suppose all of this is just standard “getting older, having kids” complaints, and maybe some day soon I’ll push through these doldrums. There are still things to look forward to, after all, the anticipation of which can itself be a salve against stagnation.

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